Growing up and down
by TyposandSmudges
Summary: Everyone has to grow, but not necessarily the same way. The Marauders, Lily's and Marlene's last year. M/S J/L
1. Chapter 1

_We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance._

_**Lily Evans sat on the edge of her tiny bed on the last day of August, pulling a withered bit of red string through her fingers again and again, lost in her thoughts.**_She twisted it carefully around her index finger, pulled it tightly until the colour from her already pale skin began to drain and then let it slip away, before repeating the motion on the other hand. She had been doing it for little over an hour now without fully realising it, too distracted by the lump in her throat. She had been trying to convince herself to go downstairs, where her mother was busy in the kitchen cooking up a big family meal, her father was lounging in the living room watching TV and her sullen older sister was nattering on the phone to her boyfriend of three years, Vernon. She should have been helping her mother or pretending to enjoy some war movie with her dad so he wouldn't feel inclined to switch over or making yet another attempt at cracking down the concrete walls her sister had surrounded every inch of herself with for the past six years. But she just couldn't. She had spent the last week swallowing a hard lump in her throat every time the thought of leaving again came up, pressing a hand against her stomach as the butterflies that felt inclined to come alive at these moments made her feel queasy; busying herself with work she didn't have, repacking things that were already perfectly in place and making lists, endless lists; the only things that seemed to calm her down these days. But now, the eve of her departure, she couldn't ignore the fear that had been creeping in all summer, the guilt or the horrible, horrible nostalgia. As silly as it sounded and as much as her mother told her that it wasn't true, she felt as if when she walked out the door the next day, when she slipped between her two worlds, when she boarded a train to her other home, that this time she would be losing a part of herself, she would be becoming an adult and suddenly things would be different, completely different. Her mood had digressed harshly over that week; she had turned from a happy, confident 17 year old girl to her sullen 13 year old self who couldn't understand her emotions and couldn't understand why things seemed so unfair. She simply couldn't let go of this aching feeling that when she walked out of her front door the next morning she would be marking the very end of her childhood, forever. She would be an adult. Being an adult meant not crying to your parents or best friends or even relying on either because being an adult meant facing this horrible 'reality' that everyone and their mother had been going on about for years; being an adult meant everyone moving on with their lives, losing touch, forgetting the little things; being an adult meant everything being awful and nothing fun.

Of course Lily Evans was a logical, sensible girl and she knew that this wasn't the case. A person doesn't become something entirely different because of an age or because they were entering their final year of education but it felt like it. It felt like everything was ending and that soon she would be all on her own. That's what everyone always said. No one remained friends after school, you'd make new ones, you'll miss those people you took for granted, you'll miss the things you took for granted.

At this thought she promptly dropped the red string angrily onto her bedroom floor and let hot tears spill down her face for the fourth time that day, fear digging violently into her stomach. She knew she was being stupid but for once in her short but eventful life Lily Evans didn't care if she appeared stupid and simply cried, covering her face with her long, pale hands and letting her thick, red hair feather fall over her cheeks as if trying to protect her from her own thoughts.

_At the same time, many miles away, deep in a large gated house, James Potter lay back on his bed, his knees inclined. _His eyes were concentrated on the thin bit of blood red string he was gently weaving in and out of his fingers but his thoughts were elsewhere entirely. He had spent the day with his parents and Sirius, who had come over from his flat in central London to stay the night and take the trip to Kings Cross with them the next morning.

They had picked up last minute things at Diagon Alley for his next and last year at Hogwarts and essentially packed away most of his life into a tattered old trunk that had been in the family for far too long. Sirius was currently downstairs; probably shamelessly flirting with his mother, while simultaneously charming his father and making the house elf blush. James had complained of a hearty stomach ache about an hour before and retired upstairs, promising to be downstairs in time to greet the guests. Family friends, and some scarce actual family, would be taking up the Potters home that evening, probably until the early hours of the morning, to celebrate the end of summer and wish James and Sirius good luck in their last year. Really it was just an excuse for a party.

The news in the Daily Prophet had been growing darker over the past few months, albeit just subtly, and the work the adult Potter's were going out to do every day was becoming more and more dangerous, which James' mother announced cheerily was a perfect reason to hold yet more parties. Usually he would have been more than up for it, an excuse to get mindlessly drunk with his father and Sirius right before school started was exactly his idea of a good time, particularly since Sirius had the most magnificent hangovers and would be a treat to watch at the busy, loud Hogwarts Express platform.

But, but, but. He just couldn't. He couldn't be James Potter that day; he couldn't stomach the grins and the laughs he'd have to put up to hide the worry. He had been being James Potter; loud, excitable, cheerful and cheeky James Potter for seventeen short but dangerously wonderfully exciting years. It was just too much that day.

The last year of school had always looked like such an exciting opportunity for him. Then again, breakfast looked like an exciting opportunity for him on most days. But the last year of school was like this promised land, this final stepping stone where he could be an adult in a kid's world, be the top of the heap and then when it was finished, go and…and. Go and do what?

He had been so full of ideas all these years. He could do anything, be anyone, he was invincible; he had every chance, every choice in the world. He could be an Auror or a Healer or he could work for the Ministry, he could travel the world, he could backpack across Europe or live like a Muggle – or not – or try out for a professional Quidditch team or become a Professor – after waiting a few years for the rumours about his antics to simmer down. He could do everything from simply live at home, scrounging off his family's fortune to starting an illegal underground operation in which he and Sirius trained youngsters to become mini Marauders. He had felt like he could do anything.

Now…now he felt like he could do nothing. He felt useless and incompetent and above all, above everything else, terrified of the world out there. What if he got lost in Europe or failed at being a Professor or was tricked when questioning a dark wizard, leading to the downfall of the entire Wizarding world? What if he was too dumb to run his own business, what if he wasted away his family's fortune, what if he ended up alone because of how scared he was? What if everyone just moved on with their lives and he was stuck; stuck wondering whether or not to be a Professor or a Quidditch player, stuck scared out of his head about messing everything up? With everything that was happening outside the safe walls of his home, all the things that weren't being reported that his parents had told him about in hushed voices one day, he would probably end up fighting. But could he trust himself to do that?

Before he had always relished in new challenges; looked forward to being more, trying more but the next year felt dark and these uncertain waters felt treacherous. He wasn't ready. He just wasn't ready. He wasn't a dumb boy by any means, (but he was still just a _boy,) _and he knew that whether he crawled under his covers now and ignored the fear that had been crushing him for weeks, life would continue. It had to. He knew that. He just never thought he'd be afraid of it.

He let out a big, heavy sigh and forced himself from his bed, letting the little red string drop to his bedroom floor. His parents and Sirius would be waiting. Hopefully he'd be able to forget about the gnawing fear in his gut with good company and strong alcohol.

"_**You'll write, won't you?"**_

Lily knew that she had already asked that question but the silence in the car was making her feel unsettled. She felt as if important seconds were slipping away while everyone blinked sleep out of their eyes and looked lazily out at the passing scenery, but couldn't think of anything interesting to say.

Her father chuckled, his eyes more sunken than usual and his face pale, she noted with anxiety, and nodded.

"Of course we will Lily, every single morning, just like we always have."

"And I can come and visit at Christmas?"

Her mother looked up slightly from the wheel in surprise.

"You're always welcome Lily but don't you want to spend Christmas at school? You always say it's the most beautiful time of the year. And there's the Ball."

Lily felt that now familiar swooping feeling in her stomach and nodded slowly, her eyes dropping.

"Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that. Well maybe I can visit for the first week of the break? And then be back for the Ball or something. I don't know. I don't even really want to go to the stupid thing to be honest. And I don't want to miss a Christmas with you guys again."

Her mother seemed not to hear her as she tried to manoeuvre their way around, craning her neck to look properly at the building traffic ahead of them and drumming her fingers against the wheel while her father wearily leant against the window and shut his eyes. She couldn't blame him. He had been getting more and more tired these days, taking longer naps, missing breakfast, falling asleep in front of the TV. He couldn't afford to strain himself unless he wanted to end up back in hospital. She scolded herself mentally for even letting him come in the first place and let the topic die, trying to calm the nagging worries in her head.

Petunia wasn't helping either, pointedly staring in the opposite direction with her lips pursed and her nose upturned. Alarm at the thought of forever losing her sister after this year, alarm at the thought of losing another Christmas with her weakening father and her strong mother, took her over for a moment before she was distracted by the car sharply turning, out of the weakening traffic, and stopping right outside Kings Cross Station, where people were hurriedly streaming in and out.

"We're here!" Her mother exclaimed excitedly, hopping out of the car before Lily could even catch her breath. Her dad slowly got out as well, following his wife to where she was already steadily wheeling Lily's trunk into the station. Petunia would of course be staying in the car as always, her arms crossed and her thoughts less than complimentary towards her sister.

Lily hesitated before opening the car door, turning a little. Petunia shifted her head slightly in her direction, giving Lily new found courage.

"Listen, Tune-"

"Just go Lily. I have to meet Vernon by 1 and we'll never get out of this traffic by then if you sit around trying to have heart to heart's. Bye."

Lily felt her old, sorely missed temper that had been put aside for days of self-pity and wallowing flare up, throwing its protective arms over her vulnerable, aching insides.

"Fine, I'll go. Have a nice life Petunia, have a wonderfully boring life with that horribly boring little man. No more heart to heart's. I promise."

She slammed the door behind her and didn't look back. Being an adult meant everyone leaving each other behind. Being an adult meant losing touch. Lily swallowed hard and rushed to meet her waiting parents.

T

hat rule shouldn't have been applicable to sisters.

"_I'm coming to visit for at least half the Hogsmeade weekends."_

"Only half?"

"Sirius, do not encourage them into thinking they're funny!"

They had arrived far too early to actually board the train, as they always did, and the family had been strolling around, the younger two listening to the married two reminisce about their own days at Hogwarts.

"You know, when we were at Hogwarts Hogsmeade was ourtime, we spent every single one together. Even when your mother was pretending she wasn't completely in love with me-

"I was _not _in love with you when I was 13! We were friends; you just never quite got your head around that."

Sirius, still as energetic as ever despite the raging hangover he _must_ have been going through, grinned widely at something behind James, in the direction of the gateway, and raised his eyebrows suggestively at his best friend.

"Sounds just like someone else I know."

James nudged him with a little more vigour than he usually would have and kept his eyes strictly forward. He did not need to start off the year by making a fool of himself with Lily Evans in front of his parents, who were currently too busy playfully bickering to notice the red tint on their son's face.

"You ruined my chances of going out with Gregory Davies back in Fifth Year! He was the most attractive boy in the year and you completely stomped all over my poor little dreams."

"Gregory Davies was incredibly dumb."

"Charles!"

"He was, he was slow and he was annoying and he grunted instead of speaking and he always smelt-

"Sweaty from all those Quidditch matches…"

James' mother had adopted a dream like look on her face, much to the chagrin of James. Sirius simply howled with laughter.

"Oh that's right, just poke fun at the fact that I could never get on the tea-

"Well if you had maybe James here would be just a tad bet-

"And _that _signals the end of the conversation." James grinned, throwing his arms around both his parents shoulders – when had they gotten so short? – and pressed a kiss on his mother's cheek. "Insult my Quidditch skills again mum and I'm going to go out with Linda Patil-

"Well you can as long as you're okay with telling her that her aunt was a complete b-

"Ah yes, I remember Jasmine Patil, beautiful girl, funny, charming-

"Yes, well apparently your best friend thought so t-

Sirius drowned out the rest of his adoptive mother's sentence with another bark of laughter before also pressing a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

"Alright you lovebirds, make sure you write, do all your homework, don't argue and for goodness sake I don't want any letters home or I'll send a Howler, I'll do it."

James rolled his eyes at his best friend's antics, trying to ignore the nervous little pulses that were beating down on his stomach. Lily Evans was somewhere in the same area as him, his last year at Hogwarts was about to begin, he was still feeling utterly overwhelmed and now he had to say goodbye to his parents.

Do not cry, he warned himself, Sirius will injure himself laughing and it's just unnatural how often that happens to him.

He bent low to give his father a hug, holding on a little longer than he usually would have, and gulping down hard as he pulled away. His mother was already shamelessly welling up with tears, her bottom lip jutting out childishly as she gave Sirius a hug and whispered something in his ear, ruffling his already unruly hair. James slipped an arm around her waist, leant close and let himself feel like a little kid for just another moment, whispering quietly; "Come to more than half the Hogsmeade trips mum. You can be my date while Sirius tries to fool yet another girl into thinking he's a human being."

A watery, earnest smile appeared on his mother's heart shaped face as she giggled and nodded, more tears falling onto her rosy cheeks. His father chuckled and wrapped an arm around her as the two boys lifted their trunks into the train, securing their own compartment before leaping back down and gathering their parents into a large, loud and rough group hug, which they both protested and adored.

"Well, we'll see you crazy kids." Sirius winked, hopping onto the train, "Make sure you write, often. James gets moody when you don't."

James stuck his tongue out at him as he disappeared around the corner, planting one last kiss on his mother's cheek, nodding at his father before slipping into their compartment to quickly peer out onto the platform again. His parents had joined the gaggle of teary eyed parents, waiting to wave off the train when it finally departed in a few moments. He sighed and waved a little, trying to ignore the tightness in his throat.

**I have a LOT of this written out so I'll probably be posting pretty frequently. It does get a hell of a lot better here and isn't nearly as whiny as it might seem to be; this is just the beginning, two teenagers, terrified of life. I hope you guys like it and remember to review it you did (or didn't) because reviews keep me happy and I'm really not right now. **


	2. Chapter 2

"_**Well Lily, this is it. We can't go any further."**_

They had stopped just a little while away from the barrier to 9 & ¾'s, her mother passing over the trunk to her daughter. Lily bit back a complaint about how unfair it was that her parents couldn't wave her off like the other kids parents could and nodded, sniffing a little despite the warm morning.

Her mother carefully enveloped her, as if she might break. That was the way her mother had always been. She went head first, strong as a bull, into everything, and treated everyone else like a delicate, precious flower, as if her father had grown the world in his garden and she had to keep them from breaking.

Lily sniffed again and buried her nose into her mother's red curls one last time, letting a few stinging tears cling onto her eyelashes for a moment.

"I'm going to miss you guys. Write okay? "

Her mother smiled brightly, her eyes shining a little too much, and nodded earnestly.

"Every single day, I promise. Tell me everything that happens. Tell me if that lovely James boy keeps 'bothering' you," At this she winked suggestively, causing Lily's father to step in.

"Oh please, please, please, don't tell her anything because she'll tell me and Lily, I love you and I want you to be happy, but I don't want to know. But tell this 'lovely' James-"

"Dad; I'll miss you too. Write okay? Separate letters! And tell me what's going on with Petunia as well, even if the sore little cow won't even talk to m-

Her mother pulled her into another hug, cutting her little rant short.

"Oh how did I get blessed with such loving daughters in one lifetime? I must have been a saint in a past life. Now make sure you write back as well, pay attention in class, always eat breakfast and tell me what kind of dress you want. For the ball," she added, seeing Lily's confused face, "We're not letting that school forget about Lily Evans any time soon."

With a wink she passed Lily onto her father who wrapped his arms around her tiny frame and squeezed with surprising strength.

"Take care of yourself. Take breaks, skip classes if you feel ill - I know how often you get colds - eat ice cream for dinner and stay up too late once in a while." At this, he pulled away and held his daughter away from him by the shoulders, looking at her carefully, "I've watched you be an 85 year old woman since you were 11 years old Lily. You're not going to suddenly turn into more of an adult, you're not losing _anything_; so no more worrying. Just be a kid this year."

Teary eyed Lily thrust her arms around her father's neck again for just another moment, wishing she could freeze everything for just a moment. But all too soon her mother was ushering her through the gateway; she did love watching the magic that took her daughter to her other world; she had only caught the trick twice so far. Lily let out a breath, wishing her worries would simply go with it and pushed her trunk through the barrier; at a run.

_The two Marauders had settled into a comfortable silence, both lost in thoughts of leaving and saying goodbye, a skill that neither had ever mastered._ Sirius looked like he was going to say something, probably wondering when Remus or Peter were arriving, but he was interrupted before he started by a chorus of loud shrill yells outside their door.

"LILY EVANS YOU SEXY BEAST, GET INTO MY ARMS AND SETTLED INTO MY BOSOM, YOU SHALL STAY THERE FOR THE NEXT YEAR, POSSIBLY LONGER."

James let out a shout of surprised laughter, immediately recognising the voice, just as Sirius hopped up to slide open the door of their compartment. He raised his eyebrows at the two girls outside it, who seemed to almost be wrestling; Lily Evans looked like she was in the middle of being squeezed to death by one Marlene McKinnon, who was excitedly yelling in her ear.

"McKinnon. Evans. Disorderly behaviour in the corridors already? You're going to break my record for fastest detention obtained!"

McKinnon let out a shout of laughter, still holding tightly onto her best friend as she waved at the two.

"I'm so very sorry kind sir but you see I haven't seen my fiery tempered, wonderfully red headed beautiful friend here for about three weeks and I NEED TO TELL THE WORLD HOW MUCH I LOVE LILY EVANS!"

"Shut up Potter, WE KNOW!" a call came from a close by compartment. The sniggering voice sounded like it belonged to one Frank Longbottom and James, slightly red faced and earnestly avoiding Lily's eyes, made a mental note to kill him later before calling back,

"Go back to kissing the back of your hand Longbottom!"

Marlene wrinkled up her nose, smirking.

"He's too busy eating Alice's f-

"SHUT UP MCKINNON" a different voice called out from the same compartment, making Sirius and Marlene fall into a fit of laughter. Lily released herself from her best friends grasp, brushed herself down and side stepped the giggling two. James avoided her eyes until he could feel hers on him. Then, hesitantly, as if afraid the world might implode – if there were ever two people who could make it do so with one look, it would be them after all – looked up.

Keep calm, keep calm, keep calm; every breath he let in and let out seemed to be whispering this to him. Keep calm. It's just a girl; a girl you have been around a thousand times. Keep calm.

"Hi James," She smiled, her lips closed as they lifted to carve deep dimples into her freckled cheeks. "How's it going?"

How dangerous girls are.

_**Lily had spent the majority of her school life at the throat of one James Potter.**_ Thinking about it now was embarrassing really, the thought of her at 12 years old getting so fired up over every little comment he made back then, so ready to snap at his every word, yell back at his harmless taunts. They'd both grown in different ways over the years and after the fiasco of fifth year in which she had swiftly lost her best friend and blamed James for it they had somehow fallen from this high point of anger and distain for one another's actions to a simmered down state of shame and mutual defeat. He didn't kick the back of her chair one day in Charms, for the first time all year, and a few minutes into that same class she loaned him a quill when overhearing him asking Remus for one. A few days later he sat opposite her at breakfast and didn't ask her out but simply asked for the pumpkin juice and she, still horribly sullen after so long of not talking to Severus, had swallowed her unfairly aggressive thoughts and passed it to him. A week after that he asked for help in Charms, which led to him helping her perfect the wand movement for a particularly difficult spell they'd begun learning in Transfiguration. At the same time Marlene had begun to build a somewhat peculiar friendship with one shaggy haired Marauder and Lily was seeing an awful lot more of the two together, and by default the rest of the tight knit circle of friends. This usually would have been a more than an unwelcome change from the norm for Lily but the departure of Severus from her life had broken down a little of the bad tempered girl's defences. She couldn't be bothered to complain when Sirius plopped down beside her in the common room and began talking the ear off her best friend, his feet casually slung over her lap. Usually she might've hexed him for such an intrusion of her personal space but she didn't have the heart. And as a consequence she found herself giggling with the pair of them just a few minutes later. And so it went on. Soon she grew accustomed to the company of the four and it felt out of place to not see them for just one day; _not _that she would ever, ever admit that. She and Remus had grown closer over the year of shared Prefect duties; Peter was a sweet guy to have around, quiet but surprisingly funny, a good listener when the rare occasion came along where she would find herself rambling mindlessly and Sirius was a perfect distraction when her life got a bit hard to handle.

James, well, was James. At fifteen years old he was loud, larger than life and a complete pain. He'd drop his head back and let out loud booming barks of laughter more times a day than she could begin to count, he was constantly snickering at something or the other or cracking jokes himself, whether it was at breakfast or in the middle of practise exams, he almost always shouted his words, he had no idea what a whisper was, he had no idea what personal space was and couldn't understand the problem with talking about people's personal lives in public, at a high volume. He was still a bully, in some ways. He still muttered things under his breath at a sniggering Sirius when a Ravenclaw got yet another question right in class, he still pulled little pranks on the Hufflepuff's and put most of the Slytherin's through hell. And yet he was well liked, charming and fun to be around most of the time. Needless to say Lily spent much of that year being torn between her morals and the burning loneliness that her separation with Severus had caused, that was telling her to go into the company of the only people who seemed to calm it down these days. So she spent her fifth year at Hogwarts either chuckling happily in the company of her so called sworn enemy or sitting alone in the library, pretending to study as she went through the pros and cons of accepting his friendship.

The matter seemed settled on the last day of school in her Fifth Year, when Sirius unceremoniously thrust her over his shoulder, carried her away from the compartment she had hidden away in and sat her down in their compartment claiming loudly; "We haven't got time for any of this wishy-washy girly hormonal nonsense anymore Evans. We're your friends. Stop being a little hermit and accept it. We never once said that you got a say in the matter anyway."

Marlene had giggled and stuffed a pumpkin pasty into her best friend's mouth before she could protest. Lily had blushed and silently accepted her fate, slowly eating away at her pasty as she avoided the gaze of everyone in the compartment. Eventually James broke the silence that had followed Sirius' return with some joke that sent Remus into a fit of laughter, which Marlene soon joined him in, and the atmosphere eased into their usual, light hearted one. James sat beside her for the whole trip and she didn't find herself getting annoyed even once, Sirius fell asleep with his head in her lap and Peter and her played numerous games of Exploding Snap while she and Remus discussed their worries about the results that would be arriving that summer – a discussion James quickly killed and buried with a simple look.

She received a short letter a couple of weeks into the summer holidays that year, when she was staying with Marlene's unusually big family. A large white owl flew over to her when she was lounging in the family's back garden watching a Quidditch match between her best friend and her sisters take place and gracefully swooped, dropping a letter perfectly on her lap before disappearing quickly back into the cloudless blue sky. She had torn open the light brown envelope, which had the name 'Lily Evans' written in a messy scrawl on the back, and eagerly looked inside, to find only five simple words inside:

_Hope you're well. Love, James._

_At times, when he couldn't sleep or was losing focus on a particularly boring bit of homework, James thought back to the way he had behaved just a few short years ago and had to suppress a violent urge to cringe._ Although most people you talked to in his year would have described him quite positively he could remember some less than wonderful moments his 15 year old self had had. He had been a bit of a bullying twat, really, not that he would have ever admitted it back then. Back in Fifth Year he could only imagine people like Crabbe or Goyle being seen as 'bullies.' They were big and dumb, used their fists instead of their words, or even their wands, and were barely scraping through the years at school. It never did occur to him in time that maybe a popular boy; widely regarded as handsome, with intelligence and quick wand work might have been a bit more threatening than those two idiots.

He couldn't really blame Lily for hating him with such ferocity for so long, even if he clearly adored her. He had a sneaking suspicion that the girl had been on the wrong end of other handsome, popular boy's intelligent words and didn't like seeing it happen again, even if it was never aimed at her, at least hadn't been since First Year. The day Snape had uttered that foul word and she had promptly blamed him as well as the slimy git had been a definite low point in the young Potter's life. At first he was angry, embarrassed, tired of the same old arguments and sick of never doing anything right in her eyes. It had been Marlene really, that had explained it all to him, not angry but rather sad for her best friend, despite how much the Slytherin had always irked her. For some reason she had thought that maybe James and the other Marauders could help Lily, who walked around almost like a ghost for the first few days after the incident. She didn't smile, she didn't giggle, she didn't raise her hand in class, she didn't eat enough and above all, she didn't scream at James anymore. So one day, about two weeks after the day the world had turned upside down, James didn't tap the back of her chair, knowing how much she despised it. She looked suspiciously at him for a moment after a couple of minutes had passed but eventually settled down, seeing that he was – apparently – paying attention to McGonagall and not plotting something to ruin her life. After a little while he had loudly asked Remus for a quill, watching the red headed girl hesitate a tiny bit before silently extracting one from her own bag and placing it on his desk, without a word, without even looking at him. And so it continued. He saved her toast in the mornings, since that was all she could stomach so early, and she stopped screaming at him when he whistled unconsciously – a truly annoying habit of his. He restrained himself from ruffling his hair and she sat beside him one day in Potions when Marlene and Sirius had run off to plot havoc in the school, leaving them both in need of a partner. Slowly the friendship built although he could tell she was still holding back, still stopping herself from laughing for too long at his jokes, still opting to sit alone instead of with them, still going to bed early some nights instead of staying up and talking with them. She was sorely missed, but she'd never believe it.

Sirius, surprisingly, was the one who forced her to see reason on that train trip back home, securing James one chance to prove to her that he really wasn't that bad, even in large doses. All too soon that day they were saying goodbye, James awkwardly nodding at Lily while Sirius practically squeezed the life out of Marlene, who just chuckled. Remus got a hug from Lily – and a mostly mocking glare from James – which led to Sirius deciding that the best cause of action was a group hug, resulting in everyone being very uncomfortable, very embarrassed and lost in eruptions of laughter yet again. When they all left each other, Sirius grumpily muttering at James that he couldn't believe he was going back to the devil's lair already, James couldn't help feeling torn himself. On the one hand he had spent an entire trip with The Lily Evans, making her laugh and talking to her about her summer plans and not getting a single glare. On the other hand, if he hadn't been a completely lost cause before, he most certainly was now.

So that's why he spent the next few weeks, in between wasting time with the other Marauders and swooping around the house on his broomstick purely to annoy his mother, painstakingly trying to write a letter to Lily Evans. The Lily Evans who still thought he was a bullying git, who still didn't trust him, who still wasn't sure whether she would rather sit alone or with him. The Lily Evans he had made smile and laugh and stop looking forlorn for a whole train trip. At one point he wrote about a three page long letter, signed it and promptly tore it up without hesitation.

When he eventually sent off his sorry excuse for a letter, which made its way from a page long to three sentences, he told himself not to expect a reply. Remus might be one of Lily's best friends, Sirius might hang out with her on a regular basis at school and Peter might be one of the only people she could quite talk to with ease, but that didn't mean he had a chance in hell at being anything but an acquaintance to her. Within minutes he was wishing he hadn't sent it at all and probably would have spent that entire night obsessing over those five words if his mother hadn't run into his room, the bun her hair was in coming quickly undone and her forehead crinkled with worry, to tell him that Sirius, bruised and broken Sirius, was at the door with his trunk.

James sprinted down the stairs, all thoughts of Lily Evans and that letter out of his head as he caught sight of his best friend, standing just in the doorway, his skin bruised and his eyes miserable.

A reply came by the next morning anyway. He got it while lying in bed, rubbing his forehead slowly and trying to get his mind around why someone as good as Sirius was born into a family so foul as the Black's. They had been up half the night, James listening to his downtrodden best friend tell him about all that he had been putting up with for the past few weeks and about the final argument that had sent them over the edge.

"It was about Moony." Sirius had muttered quietly, pulling angrily at his damp clothes, keeping his eyes fixed stubbornly on the carpet, "Of all the things they hate about me, they had to start on about Moony. Said he was scruffy, covered in scars, all this rubbish. Then Regulus piped in, the little bastard, mentions how he's _half blood_, how he's _filthy, _too _poor _to afford new robes; used all these words he doesn't even know the meaning of, just stupid stuff his little Slytherin friends have been throwing around. God knows what they'd do if they knew he was a fucking _werewolf._ So I lost it. I mean, really lost it. You know how I am with Remus; I hate anyone saying anything about him. I punched him in the face and told him everything I thought about him and his stupid elite way of thinking and he didn't take that lying down and then I told _her _that I was leaving. She looked kind of happy but that didn't stop her from showing me exactly how much she's hated me being around all these years."

His voice had wavered at this, his body visibly shaking, small tears clinging to his black eyelashes. When James was feeling particularly hopeless in the next few years, which he did quite a few times, he couldn't help thinking back on this moment, when strong Sirius had fallen so far. Lily Evans might have made James want to grow up but Sirius had definitely been the one to make it happen.

The letter, which he read about an hour after it had arrived, still trying to process recent events, simply said:

_Never better. I hope you're well too? By the way Marlene wants to know where Sirius has disappeared off to. Apparently she's gotten no reply from him for about two weeks now._

_Love, Lily._

So the letters continued through that summer, feeling more and more surreal every time James held a new one of them in his hands, getting slowly thicker, slowly easier to reply to. The fact that they were friends, really friends, friends who wrote to each other and asked how they were and such, was so terrifying that he didn't dare gloat, didn't dare push, in case it crumbled away as quickly as it had come.

His everyday life took a melancholy tone to it for a couple of weeks after his best friend and that first reply arrived. Sirius needed help adjusting to a new life, a life he had always wanted but now felt he didn't deserve. James soon figured out that it was mostly guilt for leaving his little brother that weighed down his usually cheerful best friend and spent many nights up with him, trying to calm him down or just distract him, and as a result he felt his usual optimism wavering, barely laughing. The only things keeping him smiling, not that he'd ever admit it, were the letters.

By then he knew fully well about the dangers outside of the Potter's safe walls, outside of Hogwarts Castle. Sirius had heard his family discussing it more than once a few months prior and James' parents, both Aurors, felt that his son needed to be informed, given all his Muggle born friends. He felt a little guilty actually; the first time they had mentioned that a dark wizard was on the rise, with a group of loyal followers at his fingertips, trying to pave the path to a new, 'pure' world, his first thought was of Lily, not his other friends. Lily, brilliant Lily who tried so hard, who did all her homework, who practised spells day in and day out and defended what she believed to be right with every ounce of passion in her – passion she was never afraid to unleash on him even when they did finally establish they were friends. Brilliant Muggle-Born Lily who would want to fight, who would have to be kept back by chains of dark magic, memory wiped, to not fight. His only worry was for her at first. Soon the whole picture unfolded. It wasn't just Muggle-Born's. It was 'blood traitors,' half-blood's, werewolves, anything 'unclean' that wasn't willing to be tainted by the cowardice of swearing loyalty to something so hateful it made James physically sick.

He never said any of this in his letters. Even though he knew that Lily hated his immaturity and would probably have loved to see a side to him that was more serious and would _hate _him for trying to protect her from anything, he couldn't quite manage to pen those thoughts down. The way he saw it, the way no one else saw it, was this: Lily was mature and sensible and constantly worried about everything, she was untrusting when it came to most people, passionately defensive, as you had to be in such a prejudiced world – so he figured that what she needed that summer, and for all the other ones they would spend talking to each other, was someone who wasn't any of those things, someone who talked about life as if it were easy, a game, a playground, someone who didn't worry; someone who kept the mood light.

So even though the summer after their fifth year was a dark one for James Potter at times he didn't showcase that to her. He was much happier trying to come up with witty things to say about Quidditch matches he and Sirius had played, rather than explaining that they were only playing because Sirius had been in desperate need to hit something after receiving a spiteful letter from his brother.

Marlene visited once during that summer, bombarding Sirius with eager hugs and screams about him not writing to her enough. Despite himself, James had wished Lily had come with her but had been quick to hide his disappointment, commenting on the two's constant need to be touching each other – it was rare for them to be together and not hanging off one another - with his usual winks and nudges.

It was easy to be James Potter when it came to keeping other people happy; it got a little harder when he was alone with only his thoughts for company, waiting for another letter to arrive or waiting for his best friend to snap out of yet another bad mood.


End file.
